Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
