my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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