You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
please don't ironically join a cult
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