i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
