woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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