My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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