I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
