forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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