Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
