Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
