he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
