I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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