I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
