just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
