is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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