Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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