The brown eye won't let me do that either.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
