I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We need to get me chipped asap
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
