Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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