My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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