my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
