New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
