Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
