I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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