shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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