Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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