I think I won the penis lottery.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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