Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
