just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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