Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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