Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
