all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
