oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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