if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
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I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
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I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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