loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
