I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
