Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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