Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
