i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
