What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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