I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Is Oprah even human
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
