i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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