What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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