Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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