the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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