the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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