I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
