Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
