Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
