Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
