I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
