she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
