I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
